Nathan James

30th of May 2008, we lost our son Nathan James. Just like his older brother, he was 4 months premature. Losing our first baby was hard & hurtful. Losing our second baby the same way... I can't describe the feeling anymore.

When I got pregnant the second time, I was already crying coz I was scared of losing my baby again. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I was thinking that if ever it would happen again, my heart would really break and I might not be able to handle it.

Amazingly, I am okay which made me wonder why. Coz if you think about it, I should feel worse coz this is the second time it happened, it's supposed to be harder for us to accept! I guess a lot of factors helped me and my husband accept what happened and move on.

First factor: This time, before Nathan was born my OB already informed me that this is it, we can't do anything about it, the baby's coming out. So even before Nathan came out, we already prepared ourselves which I guess helped me and my husband accept the truth. I cried my heart out after my doctor told us what was happening. I requested that they do everything to save the baby, even inject this thing so that Nathan's lungs would mature early. Lloyd talked me out of it, we need to be realistic. So I agreed. First sign of acceptance. With Dwayne, we were all surprised. Yes I was having contractions, but no one told us that the baby's coming out. Lloyd just found out when Dwayne was born already. I found out after I woke up from the recovery room.

Second factor: Lloyd was with me the whole time. It really helped a lot with the delivery coz I didn't feel alone, I have someone to talk to and Lloyd was there to hold my hand. With Dwayne, I was in the delivery room alone, with the nurses who kept on leaving me alone during contractions!

Third factor: With Nathan, I was awake and aware of everything the whole delivery. With Dwayne, they gave me something to relaxed, which made me sleep. I'd only wake up when there's contractions.

Last factor: We saw Nathan being born. He's such a tiny little baby, so fragile. When he was born, we knew he won't survive.

Even before Nathan was born, we already told my OB that we'd agree to have an autopsy. We want to know why this happened again. After the autposy, the doctor told us that the cause of the premature labor was Placental Abruption, but the cause of the placental abruption (for my case) was unknown.

We had Nathan's body cremated so that we can take him home to the Philippines and be with his brother. We got his ashes from the funeral parlor last weekend.

We still believe that God has a reason for everything, He has better plans for us. No one knows what it is, but we'll keep our faith in Him.

For everyone who prayed and supported us for this pregnancy, thank you very much.

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